11/03/25 Insecurity

    Blogs aren't cool anymore. I just think it would be cool. Something that could archive my progress. If I was ever lucky enough to have a group of fans in the future they may find this cool, and I'll just look back at it and cringe. Anyways.. we are in a struggling point right now. See I have been working on something for a bit. Forget the dates listed, those are just from when I organized everything, but these songs date 

back for months. After I released A Year Of Progress, I fell into a struggle. Hell, I was struggling even before the drop. That was supposed to be an album. I wanted to release it as a full album originally, but I ran into a brick wall. No beats felt special anymore. They were all just the same wall of sound. Inspiration wasn't hitting me, and all I wanted to do was release it, cause I had been making music for 3 years up to that point. I couldn't be someone who just never released their work. So literally, one day on a whim, I sent it out for release. 

    Releasing it was quite fun for me. More people have heard my music than I ever thought possible. As of this date 8,000+ people have streamed my music across different streaming services. The feeling was intoxicating. Even if it wasn't some giant song. I did no promotion for this. I just posted on my personal Insta, I told some friends to listen to it, and I had SoundCloud Artist. That is all. For my music to get that much traction is so fucking cool to me. I've got friends around me who genuinely enjoy my music. So that feeling was intoxicating. But meanwhile, the music I was personally making wasn't hitting really. Honestly it has been like that on and off since. My biggest struggle with music is the insecurity. I am already an insecure person. Being an artist doesn't help that. It only makes it worse. I don't know if I regressed or if I am just being to harsh on myself. Like I listen to the songs that I have here. Sometimes I bop my head so hard and almost feel an ego. Other times it just feels empty. The same song I have polarizing feelings on different days. This is enough to be a mixtape. There is a lot here. I got lyrics on half of them. But They just feel so empty at times. The other half of my beats. I don't have a clue what to say on those. Can't find words. Can't find a flow. Nothing is really fitting. I just don't know what to do. It's only coming up on 4 months since I released my EP. So why am I even so worried?

    I think it is just the fact that I got that high from my first release. I want it again so bad. But I want it more. Every time I release. I don't just want it to be better. I NEED it to be better. At this point, with my "fanbase", there is no one to let down really. But the few that are actively listening. I don't want them to listen and go, "The last one was better." That's my goal. No matter how big my fanbase is. I want the majority of them to say that my newest releases was better than the last. My drive is to continuously get better. That was kind of the whole idea of AYOP. It was one year of my progression showing how much I've improved. I want to feel like I keep improving. But I am kind of struggling with that right now. IDK I'm just going to keep on doing what I do and hope my mindset changes.

    Whether it's 1 person. 10 people. or 1,000,000. I am going to keep on creating.